Summer was
a whirlwind of activities with the house full of visitors as is usually the
case here in the country house. It was a
relief to be alone once everyone left.
The constant entertaining is a great distraction but being distracted
only delays the inevitable confrontation with my feelings of impatience,
anxiety, mixed in with a dash of anger.
I took to my bed and allowed the waves of depression to wash over me,
sleeping for long stretches.
The
radiotherapy was no picnic but I managed to deal with the side effects
relatively well. I couldn’t swallow for
about a week, I lost my voice for almost two weeks and my neck had an
impressive ‘sunburn’. The good news is
that it worked. The lymph node in my
neck has significantly reduced in size.
I started
my new treatment in the clinical trial at the end of September. My tumor cells had been tested in the
screening process for a certain receptor, anti-Mullerian hormone receptor type 2 (AMHD2), and my tests
were positive. These receptors are
present in normal ovarian cells, but are supernumerary in cancerous ovarian
cells. The treatment consists of administering a certain protein (via the usual
drip technique used for chemo). This
protein attaches itself to the receptor much as a key fits into a slot. The presence of this protein “tag” hanging
off the cell alerts the immune system indicating that this cell is not normal
and needs to be eradicated.
The first two months
were very time constraining since I had to undergo various tests before during
and after the treatment to insure that there would be no adverse reaction. Although this sort of treatment is what I
have been waiting for for years since much of the cancer research points to
immunotherapy as the way of the future, I still caught myself feeling resentful
that I had to go to the hospital so many times per week. Once again I found myself struggling between
the rational (‘this treatment may save my life and aren’t I lucky to be in this
trial’) with the irrational (‘but I’m going to miss my watercolor class’). I really began to feel like an impetuous
child who only wants her way. I refused
to start any new projects (sewing, knitting or otherwise), refused to take on
any other engagements, and tried to make myself continue with those activities that
I do for me: daily yoga, weekly
watercolor and aquagym.
Mr. T and I started
ballroom dancing and that was a welcome commitment. It’s the best couple’s therapy we have ever
done. All about communication,
coordination, giving in and letting go, and trust. I discovered that I had a
lot of room for improvement in all of these areas.
After eight
sessions of treatment I had a CT scan, which showed that the tumors were
stabilized: no significant change in
size. I was a bit disappointed but Dr.
DeV explained that this was excellent news.
I have a treatment with absolutely no side effects that keeps the
disease in check. Now I only go in every
two weeks for my treatment and am less hassled by additional tests.
So all in
all, I’m in really good shape. I’ve been
peeking out of my self-contained shell enough to make a dress for Jasmine’s
birthday (even if it was too big for her this year) and a pair of socks for
Virginie for Christmas.
After
having suffered through the US presidential elections this year, I realized
that there are worse things than having cancer, such as having your country
spin out of control and leave the realms of reason, goodwill and
truthfulness. How many people will suffer
under this reign of terror? The only way
to remain sane amid the insanity is to reach out to others and remember that if
you can’t be anything else you can be kind.
