When I was in grammar school, the first exercise when we
came back to school was to write an essay on what we had done over the
holidays. I thought this would be an
excellent way to get back to the blog.
I started the new Folfox treatment mid-July and was very
relieved that I had very few side effects.
The treatment consists of having a drip at the day clinic of the
hospital and then coming home with medicine pump hooked into my “port-à-cath”
(central line) that I leave in for 2 days.
The treatment is on a Tuesday and I guess I feel a bit puny until about
Saturday. I just drink lots of water,
make sure I take a nap after lunch, and take it easy as evening comes on. Until the next treatment (every 2 weeks), no
one would notice that I’m sick. In fact,
I’m not “sick”; I’m actually a very healthy person who happens to have cancer.
Since I had so few side effects I was able to really enjoy
my summer and all of my favorite activities, such as gardening, sewing, reading
and spending time with our ever-increasing flock of grand-daughters.
Since my treatments were so frequent, Mr. T and I were not
able to leave for a couple of weeks on vacation as we usually do. We were able to spend a fantastic week,
camping out in Brittany at Alec and Virginie’s newly acquired old
farmhouse. The weather was beautiful as
only summers in France can be – warm, sunny days and calm, balmy nights. We had a great family holiday since
Virginie’s sister, Sandra, and her family was there. Everyone pitched in to get the farmhouse in a
livable state before winter comes and their new baby girl who is due for
Christmas. Mr. T and Alec worked on
re-roofing the house, which was quite a formidable task – removing the old
slate tiles, reconstructing the framework, laying out the insulation, etc. in
preparation for the professional roofers who put on the new slate.
Back from Brittany, we then had two weeks with our
grand-daughters at our place in France.
First of all, one week with Lola, who is 3. It was her first week alone with us and we
all had a great time. At three, she in
very much into her imaginary world, organizing her dolls and stuffed animals,
talking to them, cooking for them on her toy stove. I must agree with Philou’s (her dad)
observation: “Le rire de Lola est le
meilleur médicament au monde.”
The following week, we had Émilie (now 11) and her sister,
Charlotte (7). We organized a pottery
workshop and invited a few girls from the village to join us. Mr. T was in charge when I had to return to
Brussels on Tuesday for my treatment. He
managed the morning workshop like a real pro.
Although there was a lot of organizing involved, the workshop was actually
very easy since the girls were very excited about working with the clay, and
very supportive of each other’s creative attempts. Mr. T dug a pit in the back garden and we
fired all of their wares towards the end of the week. It was a real magical moment unearthing the
wares from the ashes to see the results.
When I came back from Brussels, of course Charlotte saw all
of my “plumbing”. She has always been
intrigued by all things medical, so I explained to her how the medicine
diffused through the pump into my vein and how the tennis-ball sized container
would gradually get smaller over the next two days. I decided that now was the time to stop
referring to my condition as “lumps in my stomach” and switch over to the
appropriate vocabulary. “And that’s how
we are treating my cancer…” Charlotte
looked at me and said “Mamie Lee, tu as un cancer?! Mais le cancer c’est
mourant!” (Mamie Lee, you’ve got
cancer?! But cancer is deadful! – or something to that effect.) “Yes, it can be, but so far I’m very much
alive and that’s why I follow my treatment so that I can stay that way.” End of discussion as she seemed reassured.
Having said that to her, I realized how much my attitude had
changed towards my disease over the course of the last few months. During the previous treatment, I was so
anxious and pre-occupied by whether or not it was working that I couldn’t
detach at all from the fact that I have cancer.
Since I’ve started the new treatment, even though I haven’t had any
feedback yet about how efficient it is, I feel more in tune with my reality. Perhaps one major factor is that I don’t have
any more pains and strange tweakings that constantly remind me that something
is awry. I realized that today cancer is not something that you die of; it’s
something that you live with.
Spending time with our granddaughters is one of the best
ways that I have found to “stay in the moment”.
If I can get down to their level then I can see the world through their
eyes whether it’s harvesting potatoes with as much enthusiasm as if we were
digging for gold, or having a water fight in our tiny summertime pool, or being
awed by the color and movement of the gold fish when they come up to feed, or
the incredibly sensual satisfaction of holding a still warm egg in the palm of
your hand. Of course, the younger they are the more carefree they are. So spending time with Élodie or Lola is very
much “here and now”, whereas with Émilie and Charlotte we sometimes find
ourselves fielding questions with depth, breadth, and consequences.
If I’ve learned anything this summer, it’s been that having
cancer does not give you a “Get out of jail free” card. Life still goes on around us with all of its
hassles and pitfalls, major or minor:
personal conflicts, aging parents, other health problems (chemotherapy
has done nothing for my carpal tunnel syndrome), broken-down appliances, etc.
Shit happens and as Randy Newman says, “You gotta roll with the punches.”
So I’ve had four sessions of my new treatment and this week
I had a PET scan and an RMI. Next week I
meet with my oncologist to get the test results and find out how effective the
treatment really is. I’ve been waiting
all summer for this, but lately the waiting has become just background process
and not a source of anxiety as it was this spring. Maybe it’s a premonition that it’s working,
maybe it’s just me learning to take things as they come, or maybe it’s a bit of
both.
Tune in next week for those test results. ;-)
