I
intended to write in my blog after my last chemo treatment and have just kept
putting it off. Blog burnout? I think that I’m beginning to find my cancer
rather boring and just a series of constraints more than a potentially fatal disease. I don’t wake up every morning with my first
thought being “Oh my God, I’ve got cancer” as I used to. Now my first thought is usually “I hope he
(Mr. T) makes the tea, I hope he makes the tea.”
During
my last meeting with the oncologist in mid-March, she gave us the reports from
my last PET scan and MRI: slight
decrease in metabolic activity of the micro-tumors, but no perceptible
reduction in size. She decided to continue
the treatment with the Caelyx molecule, but to reduce the dosage because of the
problems that I had been having with side effects.
This
molecule is highly toxic and its effects are cumulative. For the first three or four treatments, I had
no particular side effects, and then, while visiting Alec and Virginie, I had
an introduction to the challenges of mouth ulcers. In French, these are called
“aphtes”, pronounced “aft”. (These are
caused by a yeast infection brought on by the weakened immune system that is
unable to fight off this particular invader.)
It was so painful that I had a hard time talking, chewing, or swallowing. I contacted the hospital to make an
appointment with the laser therapy service and went there as soon as I got
back.
Despite
being armed with a special mouthwash and having access to the laser therapy, the
next treatment produced mouth ulcers that were even more painful. I tried to “reason” away the pain by saying
“This is ridiculous. It’s only a little
ulcer on your tongue. Think of the
people that have bone cancer; that must really hurt.” But there is no reasoning with pain. It just takes over your entire thought
process and dominants every waking moment.
It’s as insistent and unbearable as a crying baby. “Fix this! Fix this!” I never thought that I could decide NOT to
eat just because it hurt so much to do so.
Effective, but unpleasant, way to lose a couple of kilos.
After
two episodes like this, Dr. D. decided to reduce the dosage as I mentioned, and
fortunately this seems to have worked.
After the last treatment, I was able to successfully ward off any ulcers
by persistently brushing my teeth, using the special mouthwash, taking the
anti-fungal medication, avoiding acid foods, and going to the laser therapy
preventatively three times a week.
It
seems now that having cancer is a more a question of constraints and routines
rather than some medical drama. I spoke
with a friend the other day who has lived through his wife’s cancer and that of
his father; he told me that there was life “avant et après” cancer, and that
you can never go back to “avant”.
Now
when I plan my day, I start with those things that I must do: take my vitamins,
my medication, pay my bills, or follow up on my administrative tasks. Then I do the things that I want to do: sew,
knit, garden, surf on Facebook, entertain grand-children, snuggle with the cat,
bake a birthday cake, listen to my favorite game show on the radio, or potter
about the house.
Since
I can’t go back, I can only go onward and not be too preoccupied about where
I’m heading. We’ll worry about that when
the time comes.
